I'm off Instagram.

I'm off the Instagram train.

Over the past few months, I found myself unconsciously reaching for my phone, immediately clicking over to IG, putting my phone down, and then not remembering what I was actually trying to look up before I started the mindless scroll.

When I looked back at the events of my day, it was mostly just working at a computer and then going back to my phone. Until a few months ago, I had never posted an IG story, nor had ever looked at them - and then one day when I started, I couldn't freaking stop.

Working at my computer. Going back to my phone. Desktop work. Laptop work. Phone. Desktop work. Phone. Laptop work.

Absolutely nothing on the internet is worth me numbing my brain every four and a half minutes.

*shutters*

I just can't do that life anymore. My eyeballs hurt, my neck is getting sore, and my right index finger has tallied more annual mileage than my legs. I don't want to die at my desk with a cell phone in hand.

With each post, it started to become more normal to share my life news and events with strangers through an online image box than to actually see my friends in real life to catch up. Nick knew more about my day because of my IG stories than in-person updates.

I started to feel like I was "seeing" my friends and having interactions with them because I watched a 10 second clip of their life that day or because they sent me a direct message of a high five emoji.

I do not like this. This is not a style of friendship that I enjoy. This is not a life that I want.

Humans need more than a series of 10 second photos and videos for it to be meaningful, healthy connection. I've been missing this for too long.

It's hard though because our banks, libraries/books, music, podcasts, health data, search engine, store apps, and messaging are all done through our phone - it's nearly impossible to avoid using it regularly throughout the day to check one thing or another - and that almost always ended up with me clicking on the IG app.

I will say that after just a week of being off the sauce, I'm already feeling a lot better. It's been nice focusing on being more present and living in the moment in front of me. I've been paying a lot more attention to my own life in real time instead of following along with the day-to-day activities and thoughts of other people. When I analyze this all a bit more deeply, none of the content was really adding that much value to my life for how much time I was spending on it. It's just not worth it to me.

While I can't say it is directly tied to my increased social media/phone use, my health has really started to deteriorate.

Since November, I've had a slew of simultaneous issues - painful cystic acne all over my face and neck, itchy bright red patches under my eyes, an awful staph infection in my nose, random bruising and inexplicable open body cuts that aren't healing, increased anxiety, stronger than usual seasonal affective disorder, dehydration, headaches, and regularly feeling jittery and lightheaded...all at the same time and none of which are getting better. I also work in a windowless hallway with very dry air, which has given me a fun new pervasive dry cough.

If all of that wasn't enough to keep me preoccupied, I got weighed at the doctor last week and learned that I'm the heaviest I've been in my adult life (just a few pounds lighter than my first year of college when I gained 25 pounds and got rather chubby from all of that cafeteria garbage and nightly Chipotle visits). I'm running more than ever and paying closer attention to my food, so I'm not sure what is happening to my body.

I'm usually not one to get too worked up about the number on the the scale, but this additional health detail has not sat well with me. When you're already feeling and looking like shit and then you get that extra little bit of crap dumped on you, it's hard to feel good about anything.

I know I'm not getting cystic acne because of facebook, but I do very much believe that our bodies pick up on what we're putting down. Even if it isn't conscious, I think my body and mind are very sensitive to what I'm consuming every day, and that includes obvious things like excessive coffee and sugar, but also oversaturating my soul with too much toxic messaging and polarizing media content.

I've been lucky to not have many serious health issues over the years. The major issue that I've dealt with over the last four years has had to do with my Nexplanon birth control arm implant. I'd heard great things from friends about it and was able to get it for free at Planned Parenthood while in grad school.

I figured on the bright side, it might finally clear up my skin and in return for no acne I'd have to deal with the long list of possible side effects:

Abdominal or back pain

An increased risk of noncancerous ovarian cysts

Changes in vaginal bleeding patterns, including absence of menstruation

Decreased sex drive

Dizziness

Headaches

Mild insulin resistance

Mood swings and depression

Nausea or upset stomach

Potential interaction with other medications

Sore breasts

Vaginal inflammation or dryness

Weight gain

After experiencing most of these listed side effects for the last four years, including having had a daily period for almost all of that time, I was more than ready to get that plastic rod out of my arm. Plus, the stupid thing wasn't even keeping my skin clear, so it was a total bust of a health experiment.

As expected, the American health care system proved disappointing once I was ready to get it removed. When I was a low paid graduate student, I qualified for state insurance and was able to get the implant for free. YAY!

Then, when I wanted to get it removed, I was making $45,000 but had no health insurance through that job. I went back to Planned Parenthood to check out my options. I made just a bit too much to get on the state insurance again, so I'd have to pay out of pocket to have it removed. So, I decided to suck it up until I either had health insurance through another job, or until I quit my job and could get back on the low-income state insurance.

A few months later, I quit my insurance-less job and went back to Planned Parenthood, signed up for state health insurance, and scheduled an appointment to get the implant removed. When I got to my appointment, they said that it wasn't scheduled properly in the system, so I'd have to reschedule for a day with more available time to perform the surgery.

When I re-scheduled and went back to PP, they informed me that my temporary state insurance had expired and that I was no longer eligible to apply for long-term benefits through the state.

Yet again, I'd have to pay out of pocket for the removal. At this time, I was working 15 hours a week at a coffee shop and wasn't going to pay $300 to get this damn thing out of my arm, so I decided to postpone it.

Are we having fun yet?

Fortunately, a month later I got a new full-time job and some great health insurance (what a concept!). After scheduling and rescheduling and canceling and re-scheduling, I finally got the implant removed yesterday (although the nurse struggled for 10+ minutes to pull it out) and am now looking forward to seeing if any of my current health issues improve as a result.

I never liked having an external chunk of plastic sitting in my arm pumping me with hormones anyway and am curious if I'll feel noticeably different now that my body is free of this foreign object. I haven't gotten the bill yet to know if all of this was worth it.

I've been doing everything I can on my end to nip some of these health issues in the bud.

For the first time in years, I went to a primary doctor who put me on Spironolactone, which is a blood pressure medication that is also known to help with acne when taken at a low dose. He referred me to a dermatologist to look at all of my bruising, cuts, rashes, and acne - but they don't have any available appointments until mid-March, which doesn't help me much right now.

If anyone has dermatologist recommendations in the Madison or Milwaukee areas, hook a girl up! I certainly can't handle two more months of all of this skin madness!

After avoiding the mirror and my reflection for the last two months, my ego and self-esteem have taken quite the emotional hit. It's just frustrating because it came all at once and seemingly out of nowhere, so I don't know where to start.

Sadly, my daily mugs of coffee are likely the culprit for my newfound jitters and dehydration, so I've already transitioned to hot tea and good ol' fashioned tap water. I'm also into week 6 of marathon training and am running several times a week. I feel plenty active and hope my weight doesn't keep sneaking upwards.

Should I keep this complaint rant going? I guess I've made it this far, so I should probably bring us on home. Maybe now Nick won't have to listen to my tearful breakdowns this week if I get it all out here instead.

I've gotta say 2020 hasn't started off exactly as I'd envisioned.

I've always struggled with the winter blues, but this winter has been wearing on me more than usual (or maybe they've always worn on me this much and that's why I moved to Austin, TX to get away from it in the first place. Or maybe the health stuff + winter is just too much to bare right now. Or maybe trying to stay within my strict budget is making me go a bit stir crazy as we've been staying home most nights to avoid spending money at bars and restaurants).

One of the main reasons I signed up to train for a marathon between December and April in the first place was to change my mindset about the cold (and have something free to do to keep me busy). Instead of trying to avoid it or trash talk it for half the year, I'd just accept that it is another season that will soon pass and that I should try to enjoy it for what it is while it is here, which means regularly running through snow, ice, and frigid temps. Of my 20+ training runs, I haven't missed a single one and all but two have been outside.

I'm trying, I'm really trying.

Nick and I even ran 10 miles this past Saturday in 20-something temps and strong winds, through several inches of snow and ice, in the middle of a winter weather advisory. It was incredibly challenging, but we felt accomplished and proud for pushing one another to do difficult things. Running is my one major glowing highlight right now. Each run feels better and easier and I can feel my fitness improving with every completed mile. I'm still not so convinced that I'm going to be ready to run 26.2 miles on April 11, but I've got to put in the work to find out either way.

I really want/need to go somewhere warm though, soon. My eyes miss the sun. Was the sky ever another color besides gray? It's hard to remember a time.

While it was amazing to be able to pay off my student loan balance last month, it means that I don't have any money in my savings account and now have to build it back up to afford any trips. I knew this would be the case, but it's still hard to not have itchy feet after being frugal and financially diligent for so long!

I'm definitely getting desperate though because I signed up for a checking account with Chase just to get the $300 sign-on bonus (if only I had $12k to put in a savings account too and I could have gotten a $600 bonus!).

How many checking or savings accounts must I open up to be able to afford a trip to Hawaii?

On my bucket list for the year, I did ask for a raise at my first performance review last week (which went great!). Unfortunately, I'm not eligible for any raise opportunities for another year - not even to account for inflation in cost of living.

I've still got some serious money goals, so I applied for a few part-time jobs this week and will be jumping back on the nights and weekend work life until I've got a fully funded emergency fund. Either way, with the $300 bonus and a cat-sitting gig next month, I should be able to pull together enough to afford a trip somewhere that is currently experiencing the glow and heat of the sun! I'm thinking El Salvador, Costa Rica, or Mexico. <3

I CANNOT WAIT.

On a more positive note, Firstmark Services finally sent me my official "PAID IN FULL" notice with regard to my last student loan with them! I might not have any money, but at least I don't have another payment to them in this lifetime!!!