Rediscovering my WHY

"New goals don't deliver new results. New lifestyles do.

And a lifestyle is not an outcome, it is a process. For this reason, all your energy should go into building better habits, not chasing better results."

- James Clear, author of Atomic Habits

This year I’ve read 40+ personal development books, listened to upwards of 400 podcast episodes, and YouTube rabbit-holed nearly every recommended video on self-improvement. I’ve worked my way through a spotty-at-best attempt of Miracle Mornings, Atomic Habits, 5 Second Rules, and a growing list of unusually popular f*ck it books.

I’ve haphazardly tried to Compound Effect, Big Magic, and Dave Ramsey-fy my life through off and on silent meditation, affirmations, visualizations, journaling, budgeting, habit tracking...and even threw in washing my face with oil (basting) to see how shiny skin might improve my life (it’s too soon to tell, but girl, Rachel Hollis told me to try it.).

If there's a book about it, I've probably read it this year.

Habit experts say that it takes 18 months of constant reinforcement to modify a behavior. At 34 years old, I’ve gone through 23 revolutions of habit formation and the most recent habit I’ve reinforced is thinking. For thousands of hours, I’ve thought and thought about how I can do better to be better:

• I’ve visualized the current me and the very improved future me and all of the things that I’d have to do in between to become that much dreamier version of myself. I’ve obsessively created dozens of life goal lists and charted them out on three kitchen whiteboards.

• I’ve color coded my planner in hopes that the colorful purple “gym” highlights will actually get my ass to the bootcamp class I’ve put off for the last three weeks….and counting.

• I’ve spent entire weekends cutting out magazine images and buying stickers to put on cardboard in hopes that simply looking at this vision board would manifest all of my wildest dreams (it mostly just fell off the wall every few days as a reminder of how much I spent on stickers).

You’re probably going to be just as surprised as I was to find that none of this has been effective in helping me reach a single one of my big life goals - except for becoming a reflective, well-read intellectual. Don’t roll your eyes - I’m from a small town in Wisconsin just trying to be more high brow. Where I’m from, being cultured is knowing which lager pairs best with that particular cheese curd basket.

Or which spicy Bloody Mary...

Envisioning myself triumphantly crossing the finish line of a marathon without actually going out for more than one weekly run likely won’t get me to the start line of any distance race. Journaling about becoming a notable author and news anchor won’t do me any good when my longest writings have been in my journal about how I’d love to become a notable author and news anchor. I won’t become bilingual doing everything in English and that Crossfit-like strength isn’t happening when the only thing I regularly pick up is a book from the library.

I tell myself that I’m a writer, a runner, and an international vagabond - but right now, I’m not writing or running much of anything and my passport’s stamps dried up long ago. Sure, I’ve done cool things over the years - ran some half marathons and Ragnar trails; lived in England, Spain, Japan, Minnesota, Oregon, and Texas; earned three too many liberal arts degrees; traveled to 17 countries; managed one of the most successful boutique fitness studios in the country; wrote a regular pet of the week column for my university newspaper; worked my way through 30 different jobs in all of the fields; accrued A LOT of student loan debt while navigating first-generation college life; and overcame a lot of personal trauma.

But what am I working on today or tomorrow?

Somehow along the way I’ve kept my motivation and desire to be better, but lost my discipline for follow through. When I was a kid, I thought it was so fun to try out new sports and activities that I unknowingly became my own hard-ass performance coach. Without a single nudge from my parents, all summer I implemented sprinting and dribbling drills outside our house and slammed tennis balls against the neighborhood elementary school to practice my weak backhand. I played piano, harmonica, and clarinet scales until my bone-dry reed practically gave me paper cuts.

My parents rarely asked about the status of my homework or grades, yet I was a straight A student rocking Pizza Hut’s Book It reading goals. Alright, so maybe frequent personal pan pizza dinners encouraged me to read all 213 books in the Babysitters Club series. Ironically, those hundreds of books prepared me for nothing as I ended up hating babysitting and am now an intentionally childless adult. Anyway, the point is...I know that I have a natural deep-seated drive that is just waiting to be rediscovered. I recently read, “When your WHY gets heart, your HOW gets legs.” My inner coach (I call her Scout LaCroix) has been anxiously waiting for me to find my WHY again so that she can help me get started on the HOW.

So, it’s time. Well, actually it’s been time for quite awhile now - at least 2 habit cycles. It’s time for me to focus less on what I’ve already done so that I can start making actual real-life progress on the goals that I’ve visualized and journaled about from my living room couch.

For the next 18 months, what is going to be my mission(s)?

What tiny steps can I take every day over the next year and a half so that I’ll feel accomplished and proud when July 2021 approaches?

Do I even know what the best version of me could look like?

What can I do differently this time to avoid falling into my comfortable routine of thinking and instead push myself to new levels of personal progress?

I’m going to start with tiny steps, taking the most useful strategies I’ve gleaned from that towering stack of personal development books, and just freaking go for it.

But for me, this journey isn't my attempt at becoming a #girlboss or living a life of #hustlehustlehustle. I'm not trying to do more or be more - I'm just trying to become a better me. I hope you’ll join me on this journey as I take on Tiny Steps: 18 months of better.